My next set of tests are sched­uled for Fri­day, 17 April; I men­tioned this in an ear­li­er post.

I am ter­ri­fied.

The MRI is bad enough, what with me being a bit claus­tro­pho­bic and uncom­fort­ably sen­si­tive to mag­net­ic fields. Not a fun thing to go through.

The bone scan is an unknown quan­ti­ty for me, although I have been told that it is very unpleas­ant and rather ardu­ous to go through.

The appoint­ment nurse told me that they nor­mal­ly don’t like to do these tests on the same day, because the patient (that would be me) is usu­al­ly “com­plete­ly beat­en” when all is done. Yeah…that should be fun. <g>

But I’m most­ly afraid of what may be found. My doc­tor keeps telling me that the chances of this being any­thing seri­ous are very slim. How­ev­er, he was hon­est enough to say that it could be can­cer. He then said “don’t wor­ry about it” but that was use­less to say. After the word “can­cer” noth­ing he said real­ly reg­is­tered emo­tion­al­ly.

Yes, I admit that I am wor­ried that I may have some form of can­cer. I’m not so much wor­ried about dying, because if there is any­thing it’s ear­ly enough that every­thing can be treat­ed and tak­en care of. And that’s actu­al­ly part of the prob­lem: I’ve seen peo­ple go through can­cer treat­ment and I know some small part of what’s involved in it. One friend of mine is a can­cer sur­vivor – the doc­tors told her that she was unlike­ly to sur­vive, but she did – and she has said that if they ever find can­cer in her again she’ll let it kill her rather than go through the treat­ment again.

I don’t want to go through that. I know I’m a strong per­son, but I don’t know if I have the strength to put myself through some­thing like that.

Of course, I real­ize I’m get­ting ahead of myself and am wor­ry­ing about some­thing that may nev­er hap­pen.

Posted on August 15th 2007 by James

Filed under General and Whatever | 1 Comment »

One Response to “Fears”

  1. Cyn responded on 27 Aug 2007 at 6:05 pm #

    Fibromyal­gia isn’t con­sid­ered a lethal dis­ease, unless you include the sui­cide rate. I would have said that I would kill myself before liv­ing as I am now, but here I am. I hope it doesn’t come down to that, but it’s near­ly impos­si­ble to know what you can han­dle until you’ve done it.

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